Love and Logic

The book that every professional working with children, and many parents as well, recommends to me is this one: Parenting With Love and Logic

I have read it and continue to refresh on it. There is also a companion website available. I highly suggest all parents read this because when you ask for advice, people will lead you to this book. Counselors, doctors, Family Studies master's degree holders, teachers, and many parents have all suggested this book! 

How do I use it? If my child refuses to put their coat on, I have some choices in my reaction. I can argue, demand, not let them play outside, or let them play outside without a coat. Chances are that if it truly is cold enough for a coat (or hat, gloves, etc.) , he'll decide on his own that he wants one after getting cold. I calmly say something like, "Ok. Its your choice not to wear a coat, but it is cold, so I think you should." then if they decide to wear one after getting cold, "burrrr. It really is cold isn't it?". If I'm leaving someplace, I'll usually bring the coat along with me and he will often change his mind later, or sometimes a coat really isn't needed that badly.

I will often say, "You have 2 (or 3, or whatever) choices." for example... (if a child is complaining about a meal)"you can eat lunch or you can go to your room and whine while the rest of us enjoy our meal." After realizing one time that truly not eating lunch means you get really hungry, that same statement will have much impact.  It also means that if they choose to complain, it means time away from the family. However, you must use tough love. It doesn't mean put the child in a timeout and then give him/her lunch, or a large and early snack. It means let them skip lunch and suffer a little so they learn to make their own good choices. 

I've also used it many times when one of my sons leaves something out instead of taking care of it. They know we have a daycare here and the kids will notice anything new and want to play with it. For example, my son got a toy for Christmas and left it out, after I repeatedly told him to put it away. It broke. He demanded that I buy him a replacement since my daycare broke it. I responded with, "I really am sorry it broke. I know it was special and I liked it too. But it's your responsibility to take care of things. If you want a new one, you'll have to spend your own money."